Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
