Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
someone owes me an orgasm
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
