if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
