if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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