So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
