I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The adults are the big ones right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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