New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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