Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
