My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
