3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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