I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
did i walk over a car last night?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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