So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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