me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
