Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
