3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
