There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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