why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
