Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
