so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
