I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
