I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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