I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
