So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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