you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
