I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
