2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
