I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
