we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
