Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
