His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
