I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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