Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
