Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just gift wrapped bread.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
