apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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