Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
