Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
