Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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