He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
