38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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