I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
