i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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