Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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