i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
