Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
