it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
