You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
