We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
