my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
