i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
