Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
